I had been single for almost a decade, and I was feeling pretty frustrated.
So, partway into that I did what I usually do when feeling stuck: I asked myself, "What the f--k am I learning here??!"
And I began learning from dating coaches online. I did that for a good two years. And the main thing I learned was this: dating coaches are mostly teaching pick-up - how to get laid - which is a far cry from how to prepare yourself for a great partner, attract a great partner, or be happy in that partnership. So I kept learning, observing, and trying stuff...
And it turns out that some guys focus on pick-up and great quite good at it. Sex-an-hour-later kind of good at it. Making-out-5-min's-after-you-just-met kind of good at it. But they are almost universally learn another lesson too: sex by itself won't make you happy, a happy relationship require a lot more from us than that.
It turns out that us guys actually do have hearts, and those hearts need love.
The take-away for me was simple: you've got a body, heart, and mind. She's got a body, heart and mind. And the more of those align - the happier you'll be together.
We definitely don't want to settle for what Deida called, 'Mutual masturbation'. We want something passionate, deep, and satisfying. We want communion. We want love.
So, what to do instead? What's the path to ravishing sex and deep passionate love, aka a satisfying intimate relationship?
There's a lot of pressure on us dudes. Any dude who's been truly trying, has felt it: be financially successful so you can pay for the dates (or least the first few), have six pack abs, know your way around technology, and be ready to defend your woman against ninja attacks and so on (fortunately not very common in my part of the world.) Oh, and: you're expected to make the moves, approach her, and do it gracefully, lest you be called a creep.
Not that women don't have pressure, too. They definitely do. There's great pressure on both sexes. Joshua Rosenthal, head of IIN (a school that trains health coaches) has said, "Women are socialized to be sex objects, Men are socialized to be success objects".
But what if you're a guy, and you haven't got any success?
So that's my preamble.
Now for some hard won truths on how to mate and date a great woman:
1. Step up your self-care. This includes a nice haircut, your clothes, and your hygiene. Contrary to what some say, and what some women even believe. women *do* notice how you look and that is the first thing they are attracted to. Wear clothes that fits you well. Look good.
Notice: what women are you attracted to, and why? You'll probably notice that they don't have to have perfect bodies - but they do need to dress well, and stand tall - basically take good care of themselves. It shows. You feel it. It makes you feel something. They don't have to be super curvacious, or super-model skinny - and as a man you don't have 6 pack abs or be 6'2". But if your clothes don't fit you well, your hair cut is unflattering, or you never exercise....ummm....guess where you should start? ;-)
To attract a great woman, focus on you, not women.
I do have one strong suggestion: we've got to exercise. And I recommend 3-4 times a week. You can start less - and work your way to that. In fact, this may be the single most important truth in this blog post.
And it's not because I think you need to lose weight, or get bigger pecs..
The benefit of exercise is mostly on your emotional and mental state. Working out makes you calm. It clears the stress out of your system, turns on more of your brain, deepens your sleep, boosts your metabolism, and you'll have a lot more energy. And all that shows as a healthy glow, and vitality and yes - the all important, seemingly elusive prize: SELF-CONFIDENCE!
It turns out that the basis of self-confidence is a feeling of strength.
And you probably know what I'm going to say next: you need to handle any issues that you've got. If you've got an anger problem, a self-pity issue, if you think women don't like sex, or anything like that...realize right now that you're screwing yourself, and not in the way that you'd like ;-). Attracting a great women requires you to a great guy, not impossibly great, but to be all in, to play 100%, to work that shit out.
2. You should also have something to give. Or put another way, "He who looks hungry doesn't get fed". Or, "Attract, don't attack". Having something to give means you aren't totally empty or totally hungry - because that's not at all an attractive/magnetic state. You should have already filled yourself in some way: You chose a job that you enjoy, or maybe you invested in a hobby that made you a happier person, or maybe you have been mastering some skill or art. Basically put some love into yourself, so now you feel good, and you have something to share, be it a sense of humour, some good feelings, some intelligence, a sense of health and vitality, or even financial abundance.
Your there to give to her, and her to you. Anything else is not a strong position.
3. Practice self appreciation, and get around people who appreciate you. Keep it simple. Ask yourself, "What are my positive qualities?" And then write them down, and post it up where you will see it. Ask your friends if you can't think of many. A week later, do this again. For more on this, check out the Virtues Project or the field of Positive Psychology, where using and developing your virtues is the main idea. Have you noticed I haven't talked once yet about how to get her number?
4. Do activities you love. That way, you're likely to meet someone who loves what you love. What do you love to do? If you're into healthy food, go to healthy food places. If you like music, go listen to music. If you like to learn, attend a convention or conference. You get the picture. Live your life, don't just think or plan to live your life.
5. Strike up conversations - 'Hello', then comment on what she is wearing, the venue you are in, anything. Then asking a question is a good idea, giving her an opportunity to talk. Then notice, does she give one word answers? Or does she make an effort, howevever small, to continue the convo? One word answers might mean it is time to move on - go to the open doors. Your goal is to find out about her. Is she someone you want to get to know? Do you enjoy talking to her? Sex is relatively brief: 45 min if you're lucky. Those other hours together aren't just gonna be spent in silence. You need to enjoy talking to her for a relationship to work.
"Choose a woman who chooses you"
- David Deida, The Way of The Superior Man
The other thing to realize is that she is also doing the selecting.
Yet you can't control her, so focus on what you can control: yourself. Dress well, make enough money, exercise, and live your life. The truth is that if you have been single for a while, it's because of you, not because of women. And that's empowering.
Your job is really not to 'pick up women'. Do the self-care right, show up and strike up conversations, and the right woman will practically pick you up. Just don't blow it, Don't be overly braggy, or talk about your ex girlfriend. There are several common ways guys blow it, but that is a topic for another article.
Dating and Mating Can Be Mastered Just Like Any Other Area.
So, to summarize: meeting and attracting a great women might be easier than you think. Invest in your self, make yourself attractive, and put yourself around the ladies.
A last suggestion: Increase your appreciation for and understanding of women - what life is like for them, what they face, how they view men and dating. You might want to spend some time reading articles by dating coaches. They do often have a good grasp of how women think, and what its like to be the physically smaller sex. This is a world where men can be domineering, aggressive, abusive, and rape is still all too common. Increasing your understanding of women and working out are my top two suggestions.
And sometimes other things can get in the way, too. For help in handling things like anxiety or depression, check out my blog, You Tube channel, and Learning Center.
Some Surprising Things I Have Learned About Relationship - blog
David Deida - Intimate Communion or Way of The Superior Man
Mate: Become the Man Women Want - book
Marni Kinrys, Wing Girl Method - some of her stuff I like quite a bit
Hi, I'm Donovan Giraud. I'm a health coach, meditator and visionary, and I'm on a mission to help people heal themselves and evolve our world.